


Is It Just Your Need For Attention?

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-24
Updated: 2012-05-23
Packaged: 2018-09-03 14:32:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8717602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: On the outside, Jared is the school 'druggie' and Jensen's the really popular kid. But...on the inside, everyone tells a different story.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** There's slight weed usage, physical abuse and heavy talk of suicide/depression in some chapters.

\----------------------------------------------

It wasn't that Jared was hated by everyone. He was just hated by the jocks and cheerleaders--those types of assholes. They just happen to inhabit about 50-60% of the school. No big deal.

 

And they're all the same. They care about keeping their grades at nothing less than an A. They care about one tiny strand of hair falling out of place. They care if their makeup is smeared. They care if one kind of clique is on their side of the hallway. They care about who has more money. They care who has the priciest car from said money. 

 

It's all so superficial and Jared just doesn't get it. 

 

He cares, sure. But not nearly enough. It's high school. All this shit is gonna last four years. Tops. That's it. Four damn years. When someone tells the cheerleaders & jocks this, though, they just laugh. They think the world and its people will stay like this forever. That everybody is going to be at their beck and call. 

 

Needless to say, Jared can't wait until graduation.

 

Jared walks the halls without a care. He doesn't deal with all the fake shit. People pretending to be your friend. Teachers acting like they give a shit. People take this to mean that he's just a slacker or something like that. Then that leads them to assume his grades are shit. Compared to those perfect A's, they probably are, sure. And before Jared makes himself out to be some kind of decent guy, he supposes he should say that he sort of is a slacker. That's not saying his grades are completely down the shitter. No, his grades are passable. But he knows he can do a lot better. He just doesn't feel like it most of the time. Hence, the slacker part. So, they aren't too far off.

 

And guess what? He can play sports, too. He can play them really, really well, actually. But he just doesn't want to. There's no sense with all of it just ending in four years. 

 

And college, well, let's not get started on that right now. Jared's just barely getting through high school without wanting to commit suicide and just end it all right now. School. Life. The constant nagging. His home life.

 

But he's just kidding. About most of it.

 

In almost all four years of school, no one has stopped and given him the time of day. And really...Jared is not that upset. The only ones that have are the ones who get high on a fifteen-times-a-day daily basis. Jared indulges himself every once in a while, but that really isn't him. 

 

He wears baggy jeans, black t-shirts that look worn the hell out and seem too small since his muscles have decided to show up and brown leather boots that have seen better days, too. He probably brings it upon himself when he willingly hangs out with these guys, but ya know, oh well. They're alright, not great people by any means. These are the slackers if Jared would ever enjoy putting names on cliques, but they're decent. They don't give him funny looks or crinkle their noses in disgust. 

 

Plus, when he does smoke with them, their shit is good. All is well with them.

 

All in all, Jared doesn't hate high school, he just really isn't a huge fan of it.

 

The one thing he is a huge fan of, which totally contradicts just about anything he'd have to say about his high school experience, is that cute cheerleader. Jared doesn't know what the hell is different from this cheerleader compared to the rest of them, but just...Jared doesn't know. There's something, though. 

 

He'll purposely find this cheerleader in the crowded hallway. All the time. The light brown/blonde-haired, green-eyed, plump lipped, slender but still looks like they could take on the best of them, cheerleader. Jared'll bore his eyes into them until they have no choice but to turn around. And when they do? There's always that flash of disgust on that pretty face, there's just something about him and that face, but it doesn't break Jared's stride. He just stands there and smirks at him. He thinks that look of disgust has something to do with the incident last year. 

 

They'd been in a Biology class together and one day they were dissecting a fetal pig. Saying it was disgusting wasn't even doing it justice. None. But anyway. Jared had looked around the table and just to get under the cheerleaders skin, Jensen was his name, placed bets to see what it would be like if he drank the juice from the pig.

 

Jared isn't fucked up, at all, he really isn't. He doesn't ever think about shooting up the school or going all Jeffrey Dahmer on people. Seriously. It was just for fun. His stomach would agree to disagree later.

 

Anyway, Jared looked over at Jensen, and that look that he sees everyday in school now, that look was sitting right there on that dumb, cute face. And guess what Jared did? He drank the pig juice. And this is where that whole disgusting thing came into play. He managed to hold down the vomit until the bell rang. And on his way out, Jensen stopped him by the door and told him that he was nothing. That he wasn't 'fucking hilarious' like he thought he was and that he was just a 'fucking slacker druggie.' 

 

Needless to say, ever since then, Jared goes out of his way to get under Jensen's skin some more.

 

Oh, yeah. That's right. Jared's gay, by the way, and he doesn't try to hide it. He doesn't really give two shits what everyone else thinks about him. And if Jared likes sticking his dick is guys' asses, well...then that's his business. Ya know? He's not hurting anyone.

* * *

But this year? Jared knows that everyone is out to get him.

 

He's been put in Creative Writing...with that freaking cheerleader. It's not the Creative Writing part that ruffles his feathers. He actually likes Creative Writing, really. It's just the whole, Jensen being in there with his judging eyes while Jared bares his soul to the class, thing. At the end of the day, it turns out Jared has Study Hall with this kid, too. 

 

This year could go either way at this point.


	2. Part 2

Jared could tell that his senior year was going to be great because he and Jensen got to Creative Writing at the same time and it was like a damn stand off in the doorway. Jared finally smirked and let Jensen go in first.

 

He sat down in the seat right behind Jensen and mentally marked another line on his scoreboard for the way Jensen tensed up. It meant that he was quite aware of Jared being right behind him. Jared relished in that fact.

 

Study Hall, however, stirred things up a bit for him.

 

They sat down at their table, and it wasn't Jared's fault this time that they got stuck together, there just wasn't anymore seats open. Jensen buried his nose in homework, of course, and Jared sat there and stared at him. This cheerleader, one Jensen Ackles, was seriously just too...beautiful. Everything from the way he carried himself to the way his forehead scrunched up when he was concentrating on something worthwhile. His lips made the perfect pout. Jared had an extremely obscene thought to just shove his cock between those lips. He shook that thought away and grabbed his notebook. He looked at the notebook and then back at Jensen, an idea forming.

 

'Doesn't it hurt walking around with that stick always shoved up your ass?' He slid the notebook across the table and looked up at Jensen, who was giving him a confused look. 

 

Jensen grabbed his pen and wrote back, 'Cute. How many brain cells are you down to now?' 

 

Jared wasn't expecting an answer. 'You seriously should lighten up once in a while. Go out and get laid or some shit.'

 

The notebook slid back across the table and Jared felt it hit his arm with a slight thud. Jared absent mindedly took notice that Jensen had really pretty handwriting. Go figures. 'If you have such a problem with it, bend me over this table and fix it.'

 

Jared's mouth fell open when he read it. He really wasn't expecting that response. At all. He looked up and watched as Jensen smirked and put his nose back in the Chemistry book he had out.

 

Jared officially decided this year was going to be awesome and that he was going to take Jensen up on his offer some day.

 

The next couple weeks go like that. Hating each other, not crossing social boundary lines in the hallways and Creative Writing. But not in Study Hall. Study Hall held no barriers for them and Jared was starting to see a side of Jensen he didn't even think was humanly possible.

* * *

The second Saturday after school starts, Jared finds himself in the middle of a party that one of the jocks threw. He didn't come on his own, his friend Chad had been pretty damn persistent. If Jared was being honest, he'd admit that he was here because he figured Jensen would be here. But so far, he hasn't seen him. And no, that totally wasn't his hopes deflating and falling towards the ground.

 

He gets into the kitchen where Chad, Steve and a couple other people from his 'clique' are standing. They're doing their second round of shots and laughing their asses off for some reason. Chad's probably high, actually Jared watched him smoke the joint, so he knows for sure Chad is, but he isn't sure about the rest of them. Jared can only assume. He cringes at that thought, though, because he feels just like everyone else when they do the assuming. But still, chances are, they're all high on cloud nine right now.

 

He walks up to them and Chad slaps him on the back. Jared can smell the weed and alcohol on his breath. Not such a great combination. "Dude, I seriously love crashing these parties. They always have the best fucking liquor!"

 

Jared laughs a little in agreement and grabs a shot glass from the counter. He downs it and slams it back on the counter top. He feels it course through his veins. Tequila. This night is gonna be great.

 

It's probably how, towards the end of the night, Chad somehow ends up daring him to eat the goldfish in the small fish bowl in the hallway and he somehow ends up going along with it. Like, really? Who eats goldfish just because? Seriously, Jared is not crazy, he swears. 

 

Jared stands in the kitchen and scoops the goldfish into a shot glass. A small group, a mix between Jared's friends and even some of the preps and jocks, have formed around him. The 'Go! Go! Go!' shouts cause a smirk to appear on his face and he downs the goldfish in one gulp. He doesn't swallow it, wasn't planning to, anyway, and he can feel the fish squirm in his mouth. It should be disgusting, it actually is a little, but it's not as bad as he thought it would be. That thought should disturb him right away, but he's a little too drunk to care.

 

"What the fuck! And you guys let him do it?!" The voice that's yelling sobers him up just a bit and he snaps his head toward its owner. Jensen. 

 

Jensen's standing right in front of him now with the fish bowl. "Spit my goldfish back in here, Padalecki." His goldfish? Jared feels regret instantly and spits the fish into the bowl, a puppy dog look glazing over his face. Jensen glares at him. The heat behind it has Jared turned on a little more than he'd like to let on. "Do you seriously have to act like such a fucking freak all the time?"

 

And then he storms off. Jared is a little pissed and a lot not turned on anymore after that. He glances around at everyone's faces, the 'O' visible on every single mouth, and stomps off the way Jensen had just left. He finds Jensen standing in the hallway. "The hell is your problem?"

 

Jensen whirls around. "Uh, you just ate my goldfish? That's a great start!"

 

Jared stops. Because really, he might be pissed, too, if the situation were reversed. Although he highly doubts it, to be honest. "Look, sorry, okay? I was just having some fun."

 

Jensen snorts. "Right. Fun. Get out, please."

 

"What?"

 

"Please leave right now. Are you dumb or just hard of hearing?"

 

Jared shoves him a little, but still finds himself snaking his way through all the bodies and out the front door. The fight with Jensen had sobered him up some more and the cold air hitting his face pretty much leveled him out. 

 

But the belt that snaps against his body when he gets home pushes him into completely, no questions asked sober territory. Remember that part about about him wanting to just end it all and home life and crap? Yeah. He does, too.

* * *

The following Monday, Jared finds Jensen waiting by the parking lot for him. Jensen's eyes narrow when he walks up. And really, Jared is in no mood for this right now. "If you're just gonna yell at me about the goldfish thing, save it." He winces as pushes his book bag further up his shoulder.

 

Jensen's face softens. "What happened to your shoulder?"

 

"Just drop it, okay? Please." And Jensen does. So he walks to class.

* * *

The next couple months go on about the same. The notebook with Jensen, the beatings at home. The one thing Jared looks forward to is getting to talk with Jensen. He lives for it nowadays. He fucking needs it.

 

He gets to Study Hall before Jensen does one day and sits down at their table. He pulls out the notebook and picks up his pen. He does something that he hopes will really get Jensen's attention. Jared writes him a poem.

 

He looks down at it after he's done. 'Mad. Mad thoughts. Crazy, twisted, sinewy. Mad obsession. You sicken me. You're so beautiful, love. I grind you into a fine, soft powder and inhale you, lick you off my fingers. You love, answer me. Your face brings me death every day, and every day I can't wait to die. Bury me now, love. Bury me now.'

 

Jensen'll probably think he's crazy. Hell, he thinks he's crazy, but he just can't be imagining...whatever is going in between them. He slides the poem over to Jensen's spot and waits. 

 

Jensen finally gets there and he looks flustered, pissed off. Jared's stomach drops. He can already tell it's bad timing. He looks over at the notebook and wants to yank it away, but Jensen's already staring down at it when he walks up to the table. 

 

Jensen opens the notebook and it takes him a couple minutes to read it. He glances up at Jared and looks...shell-shocked. Like he's seen a ghost or something. Jared's insides churn. He looks down at the table, his bangs falling in his face. He hears the notebook sliding across the table after what seems like an eternity.

 

'That was..different. But I liked it. Thank you.'

 

'Yeah.' Because Jared basically just poured his heart out and that's all Jensen can say?

 

"What do you want from me?"

 

Jared looks up at Jensen upon hearing the hushed whisper. "What?"

 

"What did you think that poem would do?"

 

Jared looks down at the table again. What did he think it would do? He doesn't know. He thought it might give a shove in Jensen's direction. Maybe clue Jensen in on a thing or two.

 

How foolish.

 

He feels the tears prick his eyes. He doesn't answer Jensen and he doesn't write in the notebook when Jensen slides it back across the table.


	3. Part 3

Thanksgiving is here before he realizes it, not that Jared has anything to look forward to with that. Except Chad invited him over for dinner and he's really fucking thankful for it. So he feels kind of bad thinking what he did. Still. The point he was eventually getting to was that the year was flying by. Mostly thanks to Jensen.

 

It's been about three weeks since Jared wrote that poem for Jensen. They still write in the notebook, but Jared just...feels the way things have changed. And seeing how much more withdrawn Jensen seems lately, he doesn't think they've changed for the better. 

But right now, as he sits at Chad's dinner table with Chad and the Murray family, he thinks about Jensen. And it is with what Jared thinks the force only a train or a semi could manage, that it hits him. He freaking misses Jensen. And that scares the living shit out of him.

 

Because somewhere in between the span of about three or four months ago and now, his feelings for Jensen have changed. And that's not Jared. He doesn't do feelings. And, if he's being realistic, it doesn't do him good to fall for someone like Jensen Ackles. Someone like that could never be with someone like Jared.

 

Facts of life.

* * *

The week following Thanksgiving break, Jared's sitting in the bathroom, getting high with Chad. It was Creative Writing and he just didn't feel like being in there. Everytime he even thought about Jensen, he got all...funny inside. 

 

Plus today was just one of those 'fuck life' kind of days. No thanks to his dad or anything. There's new wounds on old wounds. But Jared doesn't even notice anymore really.

 

It probably also wasn't real smart to just be sitting out in the open like this with a joint, but he really didn't care.

 

"Dude, so what's up with you and the cheerleader?"

 

Jared looks at Chad through glazed over eyes. "Nothing?"

 

"I call bullshit. There's actually a few people starting to talk."

 

Jared's insides flop around. "There's nothing to talk about?"

 

"Once again, I call bullshit. You've had a thing for him since last year."

 

Jared lets his head fall back against the tiled wall. "Have not. It's just fun messing with him." He pauses and sighs. "Look at me, anyway, Chad. Do you really think he'd even go for someone like me?"

 

Chad takes a hit, holds it, then blows the smoke up in the air. "Jay, man, I think you're a great guy. And no homo shit, either. Just because you're the 'druggie' and he's the cheerleader. Fuck these social boundaries for real."

 

Jared thinks his respect for Chad just went up a bit. 

 

The next day Jared actually goes to class. And it's...something seems different. He looks over at Jensen, who has his nose buried in his writing pad and then it hits him.

 

There's a new kid sitting in the seat that had always been empty, the one right next to Jensen.

 

And he's cute, too. He has chocolate colored hair. Deep blue eyes. He's sort of thin. But not really. Kind of built like Jensen. The only thing he doesn't like is the fact that his chocolate colored hair is cut into one of them damn typical emo-styles, the kind that irritates Jared to no end.

 

He looks up and sees Jensen giving him a dirty look. The fuck? All he did was walk into the classroom and give the new kid a stare down.

 

Creative Writing goes by way too slow. 

 

Study Hall, on the other hand, gets there fast and Jared doesn't know if he's happy or nervous about that. Jensen's giving him the stare down when he walks into the room, so Jared decides he feels nervous.

 

Jared sits down and barely has time to grab the notebook before Jensen is holding his hand out and mouthing, "Notebook." Jared slides it over and it slides back a minute later.

 

'So, how'd you like the new kid?'

 

What? 'What is your problem?'

 

'You were practically eye fucking him when you seen him.'

 

Jealous. It's the first thing, despite Jared trying to fend it off, that pops into his head. Jensen is jealous. That or he wants the new kid to himself. Jared didn't even know if the new kid was gay. 'He was cute?'

 

'So you mentally undress him in the middle of the classroom?'

 

'The fuck is your problem? Seriously?' Jared looks up after that and Jensen is staring at him. His face is unreadable. It sends a chill down Jared's spine.

 

Jensen stares at him for another second and then suddenly gets up, heading to the teacher's desk. He glances back at Jared one more time before he speaks to the teacher. "Yeah. Can I run by the gym, please? I forgot we had a meeting today." By we, Jared figured he meant all the other cheerleaders. The teacher nods her head and Jensen walks out the door, staring back at Jared one more time, the door sliding shut behind him.

 

Jared turns back to the table and stares at the notebook. He isn't stupid. He thinks about how Jensen kept staring at him as he went up to the front of the room and as he walked out. Did he want Jared to follow him? Jared's pretty sure he did. He waits a couple more minutes before getting up. His insides are fucking churning like no other. The teacher surprisingly lets him go without any trouble. 

 

He steps out into the hallway and looks around. Jensen isn't out here at all. He almost wants to go back in the classroom. Almost.

 

"I didn't think you'd be smart enough to follow me out here."

 

Jared turns to his left and sees Jensen come around the corner. He also thinks a second too late that he should be highly offended at what Jensen just said. "Almost didn't. What the hell was your problem before?"

 

Jensen shrugs his shoulder and goes back around the corner. Jared follows him and when he rounds the corner, he's thrown into the wall lockers there. The noise reverberates through the hall. 

 

Jared looks up at Jensen just in time to feel a pair of lips crash against his.

 

And ohfuckyes. He's wanted these lips since forever now. And they're everything Jared thought they would be. They're soft, but slightly chapped, and full. Plump. On a side note, is that lipgloss Jared tastes? Jesus Christ. He moans and pushes back against Jensen's lips with his. Jensen lets him win for a little bit before he grabs the back of Jared's neck and pulls on the hair there, taking control once again. Jared moans again. So fucking hot. 

 

Jensen finally pulls away with a soft smacking noise and Jared stills. He really wasn't expecting that. He doesn't know what to do now.

 

First things first? He catches his damn breath before opening his mouth. "What the hell..was that?"

 

Jensen smirks. "You really shouldn't judge people. It's rude."

 

"Jensen.."

 

Jensen licks his lips and it takes all Jared has not to slam him up against the lockers this time. "Okay. Look. I've been wanting to do that for a while now." He cuts himself off and bites his bottom lip. Jared wants to taste those lips again. "I'm just...scared."

 

"Of what?" Jensen snaps his gaze up and holds Jared's. Everything he wanted to say, but couldn't, was sitting right there. It knocks the wind out of Jared. "You're scared of everyone else." And that right there? That was probably his hopes deflating in front of him and falling to the ground this time for sure. He runs his hand through his hair and sighs. "Wow. Okay, then. One, don't do this again. Two, you really are kind of an asshole."

 

He pushes away from the lockers and heads back into the classroom. Jensen walks back in about five minutes later and Jared can feel his eyes on him the whole time until the bell is finally ringing and Jared is flying away from their table.

* * *

Wednesday passes by with not so much as a glance from Jensen. And on Wednesday? Jared was just fine with that. Thursday, however? Not so much. He's had time to calm down and think. If he was in Jensen's shoes, he'd probably be freaking the hell out, too. The head cheerleader pushing the head druggie up to the lockers and fucking his mouth? Not so great a thing to get tangled up in. Jared's not stupid. The social boundaries aren't going to up and disappear just because Jensen did that. He's also a little pissed off. He ignores the nagging voice in his head that's reminding him of how he didn't give a shit about this on Wednesday. Whatever.

 

Jensen didn't have to completely ignore and act like Jared didn't exist all day Wednesday. They didn't even write in their notebook, for christ sakes! That bothers Jared a lot more than he'd like it to.

 

Jared does the only thing that seems logical at the time. 

 

He finds the new kid, Logan, at lunch time on Thursday and chats him up. He spends his whole lunch hour getting to know this kid. Logan isn't bad at all. He doesn't do drugs, doesn't even smoke weed. He likes getting top notch grades, cares too much about his hair. Jared thinks of him as the whole high school rolled up into one little Logan Anderson. The thought makes him roll his eyes a little, but the kid really isn't bad.

 

When the lunch bell rings, Jared looks up and starts scanning the kids rushing out. He looks back at Logan and suddenly feels shitty. "Hey, dude. Can I ask you a huge favor?"

 

"Yeah, sure," he shrugs.

 

"When a certain guy comes out here, will you go along with what I do...please?"

 

The kid laughs, a deep hearty chuckle, and nods his head. "Oooh. This ought to be grrrreat."

 

Jared looks up in time to see Jensen strolling out of the cafeteria with a few people from his side of the tracks. He waits until Jensen lifts his head up and they make contact. Jared smirks and grabs Logan by the back of the neck and pulls Logan's lips to his. Logan doesn't even fight, just goes with it automatically. 

 

Jared pulls away with the smirk still on his mouth and looks up to see Jensen and his gang just standing there. 

 

"Wow. Fuckin' faggot. Think you could do that shit somewhere else?" The guy's name was Chris, or Christian, whatever, Jared thinks. And then something else hits him a second later. Their head cheerleader is a 'fuckin' faggot' too. How are they even gonna stand there and fucking call him that? Uh, let's not forget that their head cheerleader had him pushed up against the lockers on Monday, either.

 

Chris/Christian and the couple other people walk away laughing but Jensen just stands there. There's a look on his face that instantly melts Jared. In fact, he thinks he can even hear the goo sloshing around him on the inside. That look also makes him feel like the world's biggest piece of shit. And, fuck! Seriously? Jared just doesn't do this kind of shit.

 

He swallows past the lump in his throat and closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them again, Jensen is walking briskly down the hallway.

 

Jared groans and turns to Logan. "I. Just...I honestly didn't think that would happen. Because that did just happen, didn't it?"

Logan looks down the hallway. "You mean him look like his damn dog just died? That definitely happened."

 

"It wasn't supposed to. He's not...I'm. Look at us, ya know?" And Jared can't believe he's getting all emo. It's probably Logan's haircut.

 

"Fuck high school and its stupid groups, seriously. You like him, his feathers obviously get tickled when you're near. It's ridiculous. Don't play into that shit, man."

 

Jared makes a spot on his 'cool shit list' just for Logan and decides that this was not the best way to get someone's attention.

 

What? He's only human. Fucking sue him.


	4. Part 4

"How many times do I have to tell you I don't want that damn school calling here anymore?" is all he hears when he walks through the door after school before he feels...a fist connecting with his face? It surprises him more that it wasn't a belt so he falls to the floor. There's a couple of kicks to his side and then finally a couple hits from the belt. 

 

He waits until his dad leaves before he makes any movement, any noise. He groans, rolls over and spits. No blood. So that's good. He pushes himself up off the floor. There's a quick spark of pain and he nearly crumples back to the floor. He'd guess bruised ribs before he would broken ones because the pain wasn't that bad. That's even better. 

 

He tries not to, unsuccessfully, limp into his room. Somewhere, some place deep down inside of him, is screaming out for him to just end it all. 

 

If that stupid ass teacher would have just kept her fucking mouth shut. So what that he kissed a kid in the hallway? Whoever narked on him is on his shitlist, too. Needless to say, he just skips school all together on Friday.

* * *

Monday rolls around and he's just...moody, sad. He's never felt this depressed before. He chalks it up to the recent beating and the fact that he sat there the whole weekend hoping Jensen would just randomly call and say, 'Hey, I stole your number from your school file,' or he'd stop by and go, 'I decided to be a stalker and stop by your house' and save him. But of course he doesn't. 

 

Creative Writing is here before he knows it, so he puts everything he's feeling into his poem for the day and actually reads it out loud when the teacher calls on him. 

 

"I plea for normal between these four walls, for Hell to take the night off. I'm spinning and smiling and falling. But the dark keeps crashing in, gnawing at me, the day. Not even as satisfying as death, but just failure to live. Hate would be a delicacy, just empty with nothing to say. You can't kill me. Only I can do that. And I may." He finishes and looks right up at Jensen when he's done. There's a couple tears rolling down Jensen's cheek. Jared looks back down at his poem and then walks back to his seat.

 

The whole classroom is silent, like they could tell exactly what Jared was trying to say. There weren't any whispers, no laughs. No one was pointing their fingers at him. Jared let his bangs fall down over his face and just drifts off for the remainder of the period.

 

Jensen ignores him during Study Hall. He doesn't get it. Jensen won't even look at him. Jared tries not to let the tears that have been threatening to fall, fall, but they do. They aren't the whole water works, but it's more tears than Jared wanted to cry at all. He doesn't get why he's so depressed all of a sudden. Like, he's seriously never been this sad. Not even when his mother died, nothing.

* * *

The next few weeks go by and he hasn't spoken to Jensen at all. It pushes him further into the depression. He feels like a fucking zombie nowadays and he seriously wants to know how he got to this state. He fucking hates it. He hates everything. His home. School. The cliques. Boundaries. That stupid notebook. Getting high anymore. Jensen.

 

Okay. So, maaaaaaybe he doesn't hate Jensen. But he just...fuck. He does. Not. Know.

* * *

It's the first day back after Christmas break and Jared's sitting in Creative Writing. Or sitting as well as he can, anyway. His back is fucking killing him. Hey, thanks again, dad. He looks up from his notebook and sees Jensen turned slightly in his seat. Jared shrugs his shoulder and ignores him.

 

Study Hall gets here and Jared takes his time walking to class. He really just wants to go home but being at school is seriously better than being at home. And that's saying a whole lot when it comes to Jared. When he finally walks through the door, he stops.

 

Jensen is waiting at their table with a huge smile on his face and an...orange? Really, dude? An orange? He gives Jensen a questioning look then sits at the table. 

 

Jensen rolls the orange across the desk. "Hi." 

 

Jared picks up the orange. "Thanks?"

 

Jensen just smirks. "You're losing your muscle tone. I don't like it. Eat healthy. Work out." He pauses and cocks his head to the side. "Not smoking weed might help, too."

 

It excites something in Jared, knowing that Jensen digs his muscles and has actually paid attention to his body. "I actually haven't smoked in like, over a month, dude."

 

"Really?" 

 

And the pure hopefulness in Jensen's voice makes Jared look up. He just nods his head. 

 

They don't talk anymore the rest of the period.

* * *

The next month or so is just like that. Jensen brings an orange and they just chit chat for a bit until it's time to be quiet. Jared doesn't know why he let Jensen off the hook so easily, but he freaking does. So stupid. His mood has lightened considerably, too. He's not gonna complain.

* * *

One day Jensen comes to Study Hall with an iPod and earphones. He hadn't been in Creative Writing, but judging from his dark grey sweat pants and the cheerleading shirt on, which, holyfuck, makes Jared wanna jump Jensen because it's a little too small for him, but still fits just right, he deduces that Jensen was probably at cheerleading practice. So he can forgive him. It's about that time of the school year, anyway, Jared thinks in the back of his mind. 

 

Jensen sits on Jared's side of the table this time, slides the orange to him and dangles the 'R' side of the earphones at him. "Uh, what?"

 

Jensen shakes the earphone again. "Listen to this. It's probably different than the shit you listen to."

 

Jared glares at him while Jensen just smiles. He puts the earphone in and Jensen presses play. Jensen couldn't have been more right. The music was lively, bouncy and made Jared want to get up from his chair and start dancing. What the hell?

 

Jensen must see the look on Jared's face because he nudges him with his shoulder. "Lady Gaga!"

 

"A Lady whatta?"

 

Jensen just bobs his head along with the music. Jared rolls his eyes but sits back in his chair, bobbing his head along with Jensen's. He'd deny it, though, if Jensen ever brought it up.

 

Another day, a few days before Valentine's Day, Jared reads out loud the first poem he ever wrote for Jensen. When he's done he looks up and he can see Jensen's lips twitching. He's fighting a smile. 

 

Depression? What depression?

 

Jared gets to Study Hall and Jensen's waiting with his hand outstretched. Jared thinks for a second then hands him the notebook. Jensen passes it back a couple minutes later. 'Thanks for reading my poem.'

 

'No problem?'

 

'Lol. I like you, Jared Padalecki. Even if you tried eating my goldfish. You're different than everyone thinks of you.'

 

Jared snorts when he reads the note. 'That goldfish thing was forever ago it seems like. Drop it. Yeah. You, too.'

 

Jensen takes a little bit longer this time. 'I just...I am scared. And you get that, don't you? I'm not trying to be an asshole. I promise. But, just...I don't know how to deal with all that. Do you get that? I would seriously love to just drop the whole 'stick up my ass' thing. But it's so hard. And you're breaking through that barrier. And that fucking scares me. And I don't know. I just know I like you. And you're not supposed to be able to help who you like, right?'

 

Jared does get it. He really, really does. But it still kinda hurts seeing it on paper. It leaves him with even less hope for him and Jensen. 'Nah, man, I get it.' And that's all he writes.

 

'You hate me, don't you? You just got so sad. I notice you, you know. I just watch you sometimes. When you're happy, it shows. You look so much more relaxed. When you're sad, I can literally see it wash over your face. It's scary. Why are you sad?'

'In a nutshell...you just told me we can never be together.'

 

And then Jared doesn't reply anymore. Jensen keeps nudging him with the notebook, keeps trying to get his attention, but he doesn't budge. He let his guard down once again and it's even worse because Jensen got so far in this time before it all caught up with him. He thinks the depression could be on its way back at this point. 

 

And had he known in two weeks time that he was gonna be right, he would have just fucking ended it all right then and there.


	5. Part 5

He should have just stayed at home. Something kept telling him not to go with Chad. He should have fucking listened to that something. 

 

If he did, he wouldn't be sitting here on the beach staring down at his own puke pile soaking into the sand because he couldn't stand to look at that...mess. He wouldn't be contemplating grabbing his dad's gun when he gets home and pulling the trigger. Or even grabbing all his dad's prescription pills. 

 

Actually, if he'd do it...he'd come up with something more original and less cliche.

 

But the point is: he wouldn't be at this stupid beach party, having caught some guy plow into Jensen from behind. He wouldn't have seen the way Jensen's eyes glaze over and close slightly, wouldn't have seen his mouth fall open into a perfect little 'O', wouldn't have seen Jensen's face scrunch up when the guy hits that spot. 

 

Jared can talk a big game, can back his shit up, he really can, but a little fact that not everyone knows right away is that Jared Tristan Padalecki has the fucking biggest heart of anyone on the face of this planet. He'd slit his own wrist before he'd let a car run over a freaking caterpillar on the road. He doesn't show it, that's his fault, but his heart is just not something he gives out to everyone. Not Chad, Logan, (whose become something of a best friend to him) nobody.

 

But right now? His heart is scattered all over the beach. And he's surprised no one has seen it yet and went, 'Hey, isn't that a piece of Jared Padalecki's heart?' There's pieces of it mixing in with his vomit. There's pieces of it by Jensen and that fucking guy. There's pieces of it over by where someone started that bonfire. There's pieces of it getting jostled around where everyone is dancing. 

 

He just...he has no words. He really doesn't. Now everything's starting to feel a little numb. And that's probably no good. He takes a huge gulp of his beer, finishing it, and just tosses the red plastic cup onto the sand somewhere. He pushes up from the ground and starts walking off towards the parking lot. Chad drove, but Jared can just sit in the car and wait. 

 

He takes a few staggering steps before he hears someone calling his name. He doesn't stop because right away he recognizes the voice. 

 

Jensen calls after him a couple more times and finally Jared swings around. "What the fuck do you want?" The heat behind his own voice scares him a little.

 

Jensen's forehead scrunches up. "Why are you all pissed off?"

 

Jared barks out a laugh. Funniest fucking thing Jared has heard all night. "Wow. Retarded and a heartless dick. Not a good look for you, Jensen."

 

"What the hell are you talking about, Jared?"

 

Jared narrows his eyes at Jensen. He takes the few steps distance worth between him and Jensen until he's close enough to see specks of brown in his eyes and feel Jensen's breath hitch and come out in short spurts on his cheek. Jensen is panting. "You really don't know what I'm talking about?" Then he pushes up against Jensen, rolling his hips to make it obvious.

 

Jensen moans and wraps his arms around Jared's neck. He buries his face in Jared's neck, so his voice is muffled when he says, "Fuck, Jared, it...it didn't mean anything."

 

Jared nips and licks at Jensen's earlobe. "Yeah? Didn't seem that way from that fucked out look on your face." He grazes his teeth along behind Jensen's ear and down to his neck. Jared can fucking feel his pulse quicken. He licks at it. The spot is warm. And Jensen tastes so good.

 

Jared's wondering where the fuck all this is coming from.

 

"Jareeed.." His voice breaks a little and suddenly Jared is rock hard, though he's not gonna let Jensen know that. "Didn't...didn't know you had it...had it in you."

 

And guess what? Jared's not stupid. He pulls away quickly from Jensen. "Yeah? Too bad you're the fucking scum of the earth right now." And then he walks away.

 

Okay. What he said might have been harsh, but it makes Jared feel like he won that one.

 

And it does. Until he gets home, anyway.

* * *

Jared's sitting on the floor of his room, nursing his side, when it hits him. Depression. He feels it seeping in at every corner and he's so damn powerless to stop it. And he's so pissed off. It wasn't like Jensen and he were together, but it was still one hell of a fucking punch to the gut. And just...he's tired. Tired of caring. Tired of getting his heart chewed up and spit back out. Tired of his dad. Tired of pretending that everything's okay. 

 

He's just really tired, okay?

 

And Jared really isn't a suicidal person by nature. He really fucking isn't. But he just wants it to all be over. He gets that life is gonna throw you curveballs, there's gonna be things that you'll never get over, but there has to come a time where enough is enough. And everyone at least thinks about that time, right?

 

Or maybe he really is just fucked up. Good for nothing. Useless. He's not the kind of person that deserves someone like Jensen. Hell, he doesn't even deserve to just be happy. Things of that nature just don't exist for him. 

 

But there's a small, small part of him that's screaming out right now. It's screaming out that of course he fucking deserves that, deserves all of it.

 

He doesn't listen to that part.

* * *

He goes to school that following Monday in a weird place. One where he just can't seem to get himself out of. He fucking hates it.

 

Creative Writing is his only means of an escape. So he writes. God, he fucking writes. And he thinks about Jensen the whole time. He looks down at the poem when he's done. Jared's disgusted with himself. But he's even more disgusted with Jensen, so he reads it out loud.

 

"This part you play in the room, no one buys it. They all see right through you. If you’re ever being lowered, waiting for them to love you, they’re not going to. Cause all you are is on your back. You’re not smart, you’re stupid. You’re not beautiful, you’re ugly. Walking, talking, hoping, waiting..to be where you belong. On your back. So give it away. Kill it, smear it and try to pull it out of the dirt. Desperate, because you know, that all that you have and all that you are, is on your back."

 

Jensen flies up from his chair and Jared hears everyone gasp, the teacher already trying to stop the fight before it begins. Jensen stands by his desk, chest falling and rising, heavily and quickly. He's pissed. Good. "How fucking dare you." And it's said so quiet and holds so much rage that Jared actually shivers.

 

It doesn't stop him, though. "You started all of this." He looks around the room. "You all did! All of you walk around this fucking place like everyone bows down to you. And none of you know! None of you know what it's like to go home and be hurt by people and in the one place you thought should have been your fucking sanctity, your security. I'm tired of walking around this place and being looked down at because I don't have money or don't have the best grades or what the fuck ever else! Every single one of you just sit there and look at me like there's no reason why I should still be breathing! Just...gah!" He briefly remembers kicking the podium over and running out of the classroom before anyone has time to stop him.

 

He runs through the school doors and doesn't stop. He just runs and runs and runs.

* * *

It's dark when he finally heads home. He doesn't really want to, the school is bound to have called by now, but he needs to. 

 

The fist, belt and feet he is so accustomed to are the first things he feels when he walks through the door. He takes it because he deserved it this time. He shouldn't have blew his cool at school like that. Stupid on his part. So fucking stupid.

 

But, at this point, he's really fucking done. He wants, needs, to end it all. He packs a bag, and in the most teenaged cliche mannerism ever, he sneaks out through his window, putting that fucking house and that stupid fucking school in his rear view.

 

But first...he needs to make peace with one other thing.


	6. Part 6

He tries to head over to Jensen's, wills his feet to run that way. But he can't. He can't face Jensen. Not now. Not looking like this. 

 

In reality it was dumb to run away, he knew that. Jared had nowhere to go. He could probably stay at Chad's, but he'd probably develop a lifetime addiction to smoking weed, seeing as how Chad lives, eats and breathes that moment when you're on cloud nine. Jared...not so much. 

 

He doesn't know what to do. He briefly considers going back home, but shuts that thought out almost as fast as he thought it. He can't go back home. He'd regret doing that the rest of his life. Or, you know, until his dad finally just kills him or something. 

 

In the end he ends up going to Chad's. And, like he suspected, they do get high. He also ends up staying with Chad and his parents for the ten days, too. 

 

And those next ten days go by so damn slow. Not that Jared is complaining. He hates that fucking place. And there's plenty of weed to tide him over until then. And okay, he was totally complaining that he didn't wanna be like Chad. But there really is something about being high enough that nothing else in the world matters. At the end of those ten days, Jared feels like he's been wrong about Chad all along.

* * *

Two Tuesday's go by in those ten days and on that second Tuesday, he's able to go back to school. And he's almost afraid to. Okay. He's really afraid to, though he'd never tell anyone that. He has that reputation to uphold, you know? He's just afraid to see Jensen. 

 

Turns out he had good reason.

 

He barely walks through the door of Hell before people are sneering at him. There's whispers and pointed fingers. Those stupid, judging looks. Jared just brushes it off. He's used to it. That and he figures people have just been talking about what happened. That would be so typical. So Jared doesn't think much about it. Why should he? 

 

Until he gets to his locker and sees Jensen standing there, with their notebook, does the wheels in his head start turning. Something's wrong. He can clearly sense that. 

 

Jared's wary. Jensen has one of those 'I'm up to no good looks' on his face. "What do you want?" 

 

Someone walks by and sniggers just as Jensen flings the notebook at him. "Payback is a bitch." Jared looks down at the notebook and then back around. He didn't get it? Jensen laughs and it makes Jared's blood run cold. It wasn't a pleasant laugh by any means. "You shouldn't have left that on the table that day." 

 

Jared gets it now. And, God, is he fucking seeing red. "You...Did you let someone take it?" He didn't know his voice could be that quiet when he's so pissed off. 

 

Jensen snorts. "I gave it to them." 

 

And that's it. Jared snaps. "What the fuck, Jensen?! Are you seriously that big of a piece of shit? I mean, gah! Jensen...everything was in that...I just. Ugh!" He slams his fist against his locker. People are staring and laughing. He feels his eyes betray him, though. 

 

Jensen must see it, too, because his whole face just drops. "Are you. Why are you crying?" 

 

Jared feels his other hand clench around the notebook. "Because I fucking hate you!" And then he just leaves. 

 

He's...he doesn't know. Hurt would be an understatement. Upset? Still not close. He thinks, or actually, he knows that he mostly just feels sad. Betrayed. And stupid. 

 

But he supposes he had it coming. It was stupid of him to, even for a minute, think he was good enough for Jensen, for this world. 

 

What good has he even done in his eighteen years of being on this earth? Nothing. Not once. No one has ever once stopped him and said, 'Good job, kid.' Or whatever. He's pretty sure people don't even know he actually exists. He's just some blip on the radar. 

 

He doesn't deserve to be around anymore, doesn't want to be around anymore. Is this what that moment feels like for people who actually do commit suicide? Because right now he feels like he's standing at the edge of that cliff and all he has to do is just simply walk right off and it all ends. Right then and there.

* * *

It's like an orgasm. 

 

Up until that very last second before you finish, it just builds and builds and builds. You know the end is coming, you can feel it. You race for the finish line. You notice and feel nothing else but that final destination.

 

And you know that the end is gonna be some big fucking show. You'll see stars behind your eyes, your vision will blur. And then you'll come down. It'll all be okay. You'll be so far fucking up. Nothing can happen to you then.

 

It's like that feeling of when being high kicks in. 

 

It takes over your system. It feels so fucking good. You're calm and content. You feel nothing else, nothing bad. A hurricane could sweep everything away around you and you wouldn't give one damn shit. You have no energy to just...care. 

 

You don't want to care. You don't want to give a shit.

 

The biggest downfall, though? Making that last leap into that heavenly abyss. It's downright fucking scary. Some people have no problems going through with it, but Jared wonders about the people that stop and have second guesses. 

 

He wants to go through with this, he really does. He wants it all to end. He refuses to wake up one more day feeling like his existence on earth is pointless. He even buys four little brown pills that were guaranteed to 'fuck your shit up.' But as he sits in Creative Writing and stares at the back of Jensen's head, ignoring the sneers of his classmates, he just...can't. He can't go through with it. He seriously wants to. He fingers the baggie of pills in his pocket. But he just. Fucking. Can't.

 

He doesn't get why he's so weak. All he has to do is just put the pills in his mouth and fucking swallow! It's so simple!

But he can't.

 

And, while the reason why he can't was the reason that pushed him over the edge to begin with, (okay, one of the reasons) it's all because of that green-eyed, perfection on two legs, cheerleader. 

 

He just wants Jensen to get him, to want him. He wants to be accepted. He doesn't want everybody sneering at him anymore. He wants normalcy. 

 

He's just human. It's okay to want all of this, right? To be loved, wanted, accepted? Not once in his life has anyone ever given him reason to believe that it was okay to want those things. No one's ever shown him those things.

 

But he wants all that and more from Jensen. And Jared's never believed in opposites attracting more since he laid eyes on that stupid cheerleader.

 

Besides, he can only be that 'school druggie' for so long.

* * *

Study Hall finally rolls around and saying it was awkward is a complete fucking understatement. Neither will look the other in the eye. And it's even more quieter than usual despite the class already being quiet. 

 

Jared hears their infamous notebook slide across the table. 'Look. I really am sorry about the other day. I was hurt.'

 

Jared snorts and Jensen looks up. 'You? Hurt? Right. You don't know hurt.'

 

'You need to tell someone, anyone.'

 

Jared's head snaps up. "Excuse me?"

 

Jensen grabs the notebook. 'You were wearing a shirt that was a little too small awhile ago and I seen the bruises on the small of your back. Tell somebody.'

 

Where the fuck does Jensen get off saying that? He pushes away from the table and digs in his pocket. He pulls the baggie out and throws it on the table. Jared briefly hears the teacher say, 'Shhh!' towards their table.

 

'Pills?'

 

'I want it all to end, Jensen.'

 

He hears Jensen gasp after reading the note. 'Suicide?'

 

It looks so disgusting or something when it's written down on paper. 'I just want it to end.'

 

He doesn't bother telling Jensen that he's already decided not to. And that he's the only reason why Jared won't do it. What good would it do, anyway?


	7. Part 7

It's a couple weeks before graduation now. It's been about a month since he confessed 'suicide' to Jensen.

 

And it's like everything has changed. Well, just between them. The outside world is oblivious to it. But Jared's noticed the change.

 

It started that very same day he mentioned suicide to Jensen. He'd walked out of the school, on his way to Chad's, when he'd seen Jensen waiting for him around the corner and down the sidewalk. At first Jared was insulted. Because clearly Jensen looked like he didn't want to be seen with him. So Jared just walked right by him.

 

But then Jensen followed him. "Jared. Wait, please."

 

Jared sighed but slowed down. "What? I really just want to go home."

 

"I just. I didn't know it was that bad." Jared looked over at him. Jensen had his head hanging down. Seriously? He didn't know it was that bad?

 

"It's okay." And for right now, it actually was. Jared was just tired of everything.

 

"It's really not. I do like you, Jared. I really do. You have to know that."

 

Jared snorts. "You have funny ways of showing that."

 

"Jared. You hurt me."

 

And that finally had Jared stopping. "Excuse me? How the hell did I hurt you?"

 

"Kissing that kid in the hallway, reading that poem, for starters! That poem really hurt me, Jared!"

 

"Should I list the ways you hurt me!?" There isn't anybody around that would hear them and that's good. Jared's pretty sure they would have gotten a small crowd by now.

 

Jensen's voice was barely a whisper when he answered. "How have I hurt you?"

 

"Well, I think letting yourself get fucked on that beach where everyone could see is a nice place to start. Or maybe kissing me in school and then going out and getting fucked."

 

They got to Chad's before Jensen even spoke again. "I really am the scum of the earth."

 

And that made Jared stop completely. He'd never seen that side of Jensen before. "What? Dude, no, you're really not. I shouldn't have said that that night."

 

Jensen shook his head. "No, I deserved it." He paused. "Can I walk you home again tomorrow?"

 

The first thought that entered Jared's mind was pity. Jensen never offered to do this before. And now suddenly because he wanted to off himself, Jensen's gonna be nice? "Why?"

 

Jensen glanced down at his feet and kicked at a small pile of dirt. It was a few seconds before he answered. "Do you know what it's like knowing someone could have killed themselves because of you? If you would have went through with it, I would have gone the rest of my life with that on my shoulders."

 

And, well, no. He really didn't know what that was like. He knew what it was like to be the one that wanted to kill themselves, but he didn't know what it felt like to be the cause of that. And he didn't even think Jensen would even notice. But before he could say anything, though, Jensen gave him a small smile and left.

* * *

And things just went from there. Jensen walked Jared to Chad's every day and they talked. Well, Jensen mostly talked, apologized every chance he could. Jared just listened to him. A couple people that Jensen knew from school drove by them one day and Jensen just froze. But he still walked Jared home. Except on days that he had practice or something. But now that graduation was so close, there weren't any more school activities or functions or whatever, so Jensen walked with him every day now.

 

And Jared could feel himself fall right back into Jensen land. He seriously needed to grow some balls. And someday soon.

* * *

It's on the beginning of the two weeks until graduation when they're walking home that something catches Jared off guard.

 

It starts off with Jensen waiting for him right outside the door instead of down the block. There's a few people giving them funny looks. Hell, Jared's giving some pretty funny looks himself. This isn't like Jensen. They get around the corner and Jensen suddenly grabs Jared's hand, intertwining their fingers together. Jared looks down at their hands and then back up at Jensen's face. He's smiling. Jared feels his face light up, but he doesn't smile quite yet. Still too early, way too early, but deep down Jared knows that Jensen is actually trying. It ends with them getting to Chad's and Jensen giving Jared a small kiss, right by the corner of his mouth, not quite touching his lips. Teasing, getting a taste. Nothing like their kiss in the hallway up against the lockers that one day.

 

Jared doesn't know. It feels like the past however many months never happened. Jensen is really, seriously trying, as much as he can, and for him, it's been a lot. But can anyone blame Jared for still being extremely cautious? Jared wouldn't like to think anyone could. He still just doesn't know what to feel, what to think.

 

The next day in school someone comes up to Jared. It's one of the other cheerleaders. This one has a vagina, though. And red hair. Jared thinks her name could be Rachel. He's not so sure.

 

"Are you and the cheer queen, like, a thing or something?"

 

"Excuse me?" Have people seen them walking home together? Great. Jensen's probably gonna stop talking to him. Again.

 

"Jensen tells me everything."

 

Well, that's just awesome. "If he tells you everything, wouldn't he have told you that, then?"

 

"Touché, my friend. But he actually hasn't. He does talk about you, though. Non stop. And he's been a lot more happier these days. So are you?"

 

Jared shakes his head. He doesn't know what the fuck is wrong with this freaking thing in front of him, but he kind of likes her for some reason. "No. We're not."

 

"Well, you should be. Who gives a fuck what everyone else thinks, you know? Not all of us are stuck up whores."

 

Yeah. It's official. Jared likes her. And that's kind of what he's been trying to tell Jensen all along.

* * *

It's a week until graduation now and Jared's staring at himself in a mirror in the Murray household.

 

He hasn't lost anymore weight, but he hasn't gained much more, either. He'll have to work on that now that the bruises have all finally healed. There's some cuts and scars if you look for them close enough, but other than that, you can't see them. Thank god. He doesn't want anyone knowing he wasn't man enough. Man enough to take care of himself and fight back. A coward.

 

He's actually stopped smoking, too. No thanks to Jensen or anything. Why must his face be so damn pretty? He's on eight days and counting. What an accomplishment.

 

He thinks about where his life was then and where it's at now. Even though it hasn't really been all that long since it has changed.

 

Before he was walking into a broken home, with punches, slaps and kicks greeting him at the door. Now he's staying with Chad and his family. No more beatings, cruel words. Jared couldn't be anymore grateful. They took him in when he needed a safe place to go. Jared would forever be indebted to them.

 

He was in a world war with Jensen and now he's...kind of just happy with him. Jared's been seeing a whole new side to Jensen and it has him on cloud nine. He's nowhere near to forgiving him yet, but he thinks he could if Jensen keeps up what he's been doing lately.

 

He's healing, Jared thinks. He briefly considers going to a doctor. But then he stops. He's come this far, and from where he was before, that's fairly far. He doesn't feel messed up or anything. Doesn't feel scarred for life. He never was a crazy person, he wasn't. He doesn't hear voices, doesn't kill people and eat them or something. It was just a fleeting moment. Everyone has that kind of moment, don't they? Jared didn't give into it and that's what matters.

 

Jared hears a soft knocking noise that draws him out of his reverie. Chad yells up the stairs a few seconds later. "Your boyfriend's here, Jay, man!"

 

Boyfriend? Jensen? Jared goes downstairs and sees Jensen standing on the porch. He has on somewhat tight jeans, a black polo with the collar popped up and dirty black chucks. And really, there is no other way to wear those kind of shoes. He also has a teeny, tiny purple flower in one hand and a couple of pieces of paper in the other. Tickets?

 

"What are you doing?"

 

Jensen smiles. It's a soft one. Genuine. "Something I should have manned up and did a long time ago."

 

"And what's that?"

 

"Take you on a date."

 

And okay, really? A date? Jared wasn't expecting that. He also wasn't expecting to have so much fun, either. But he does. They only go to the races. Beat up race cars of all makes, models and sizes race in circles on a mud caked track. Shouldn't seem so fun, but it is. Plus, Jensen actually held his hand. In public. And that made Jared happy. Way too happy.

 

They walk their way out of the crowded parking lot when the races are finally all finished. They get back in Jensen's car and wait for traffic to clear.

 

Jared looks at Jensen out of the corner of his eye. Jensen's looking in the side mirror. Probably so he can pull out. "Jensen?"

 

Jensen whips his head around. "Yeah?"

 

"Why are you suddenly so interested in me? Is it because I told you about wanting to, you know?"

 

Jensen run his hand over his mouth an sighs. "This talk is definitely long over due, huh?"

 

Jared actually cracks a tiny smile. "A little."

 

Jensen looks out his window again before answering. "I've always liked you. Well, at least since getting to know you from the beginning of the year. Except when you tried eating my goldfish."

 

Jared groans. "Seriously? Still? Drop it already."

 

"I had just caught those fish! And you were gonna eat them!"

 

"Drop. It!"

 

Jensen rolls his eyes and goes on. "Anyway. I just. Have you ever sat there and thought, 'Well, I can't let everyone see me like this?' Like, you were just flat out scared?"

 

"Everyday."

 

Jensen nods and runs his tongue over his bottom lip. It doesn't go unnoticed by Jared or Jared JR. "I didn't know how to handle a fallout if it were to happen. And, I won't lie, a crush wasn't worth it."

 

"I wasn't worth it." Jared feels a tear sting his eye.

 

"At the time, no. I'm not going to lie to you anymore, Jared. Please try and appreciate this."

 

And Jared does. Really. "I get it. I don't like it, but I get it."

 

A smile plays on Jensen's lips. "I wanted to taste you, to see if it could have been worth it."

 

"When you pushed me up against the lockers?"

 

Jensen nods his head. "Yeah. And it was worth it. But I wasn't sure. I couldn't just drop everything just like that, you know?" Jared just shrugs his shoulder and Jensen continues. "But then I seen you kissing that dumb new kid. Lucas?"

 

"Logan, actually."

 

Jensen waves a hand in the air in front of him. "Right. Whatever. After that happened I felt like shit. I couldn't figure out why or what the hell I was feeling. I couldn't place it. Turns out it was that jealous/sad/achy feeling."

 

"You had it coming."

 

"I suppose I did. So after that, I just ignored you. You were just some pot-head druggie. Who were you to bother me like that?" Jensen actually freaking smirks at Jared. He wants to kiss that smirk right off his face. "But then I couldn't help it. I needed you again. Didn't like that part too much, but it was too late. I was gone. And I tried telling you how I felt. But you just closed up on me."

 

Jared swallows past the lump in his throat. "Is this the part..."

 

"So I went and had sex just like every teenage boy who gets his heart crushed."

 

Jared feels the tears a bit more now. "That sucked, seeing you doing that."

 

"And I am so sorry for it. I'll never stop apologizing for that. But I don't think that gave you the right to write that poem about me."

 

Jared whips his head up, anger dissolving in an instant. "Alright. But that's the only thing I'm sorry for."

 

Jensen smiles. "Fair enough." His smile falters. "And then I seen the bruises when you threw your little fit and ran out of the classroom. I was so angry at you. For reading the poem, for getting bruises on that perfect body."

 

Jared stops him. "It's not like I wanted them!"

 

"No. But did you ever tell anyone? You should have. That was on you."

 

And okay. Maybe he has a point. "I didn't think anyone would listen to me. Or anyone would actually do anything."

 

"I got so tired of pretending that I didn't give a shit. And I seriously was pissed the hell off..."

 

"You gave our notebook away."

 

"They thought I was just humoring you or something. I felt like fucking shit after that. And then I just wanted to make things right. I needed to fix everything. And here we are. I'm not 'suddenly interested' in you. I like you. This is me getting my head out of my ass finally."

 

Jared smiles. Actually freaking smiles. "'Bout damn time."

 

There's a honking noise and Jensen starts pulling out of his parking spot. "I definitely agree."


	8. Part 8

High school tests emotions wrapped in oblivion. That couldn't be more true.

No one prepares you for high school, for life. Eighth grade teaches you the rest of the academic things you'll need to know, sure. Adults tell you that ninth grade is when everything is really gonna start to matter. And that's all true. Ninth grade begins your four year journey on the path of self-discovery. You discover who you really wanna be and what you want from your future. And that's great. Really.

 

The things they don't tell you? They don't tell you that you could suffer abuse from the very hands of the person that created you. They give you absolutely no heads up about that one. They don't tell you about relationships. They don't tell you that your emotions will be all over the place, high and low. They don't tell you that in the span of those four years you're guaranteed at least a handful of truly and deeply heartbreaking moments. They don't tell you how to handle the moments when the time comes. You have to figure out all that stuff on your own. No instruction booklet, owners manual, nothing.

 

They don't tell you that you'll have this non-see through veil over your eyes the whole time. You'll miss the good things, always catch the bad. You'll never see some things coming. You'll get so low to the ground that it hits you, hard: you might never get back up again.

 

Something else that they don't tell you?

 

At the last possible second, everything can turn itself around. That veil is lifted from your eyes and suddenly you see the world just how you ought to. You'll see the bad, the good, and differentiate the two. There's no more clouded judgements. 

 

You'll get back up off the ground and dust your knees off. You'll pick up all the pieces of yourself that you left scattered all over the hallways. You'll get a glue bottle and glue it all back together. It doesn't even have to be super glue or anything. Because from that moment on, you learn how to...live, to be alright. The scars, scratches, cracks, they learn to heal themselves because you just found yourself.

 

And then, then you fall in love. After you've figured out you. You fall in love with the most perfect person. The one person you didn't think would ever be a part of your world. But the way his green eyes, perfect pout and cheerleading abilities just fit right into your life makes you think otherwise. Because there's just no way two pieces of a puzzle fit like that if they weren't meant to be slotted next to each other. It just wouldn't work. Period.

 

And it all probably seems like one big cliche. In truth it really is. But this is what the path of self-discovery is. Not figuring out what you wanna be when you're all grown up. The path of self-discovery is figuring out what and who you exactly are. You figure out what's wrong or right in your eyes, not everyone else's. You figure out what kind of love you have to offer to the world and who's worthy of having it. After you figure all that out then you can decide just what kind of college or career path you wanna venture down.

 

If you haven't figured out you, then you will never get any further in life than that. You'll be stuck there wondering what people think of you, what good you do exactly being a part of the human race. You'll be stuck hanging onto those demons of yours your whole life.

 

He used to think like that and it got him nowhere. Abso-freaking-lutely nowhere. He let go of all the negative things and people in his life and saw his world, the way he allowed it to be, through crystal clear eyes. Eyes that are no longer haunted by evil. Eyes that have been to hell and back but had managed to find their way home still.

He doesn't think like that anymore. Refuses to let himself go down that road again.

 

Oh, and home for him now? Well, home just happens to be that green-eyed monster who ate his heart, chewed it up and spit it back out in better condition than it was before.


End file.
